ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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