I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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