Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
they call him Oral-B. enough said
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
