Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
