so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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