i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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