There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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