I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
