Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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