i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
