My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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