A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
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