I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
