I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
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