The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I skipped work to stalk him.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
