I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
zippers are such a cool invention
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize