i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
You were trust falling into bushes
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
