Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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