i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
You have to summon your inner elephant
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
