i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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