dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
