maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
