Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
