There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
