you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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