I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
