okay pat passed out under dana's car
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize