I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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