FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
