omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
