you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
