I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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