My room smells like vodka and shame
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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