Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Boobs are out for the taking
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
