i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
