It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
