Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
