im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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