It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
