batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Randomize
