I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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