im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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