I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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