Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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