Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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