i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
