she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
