i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
