And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
