She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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