You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
