Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
