I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
