Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
