I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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