I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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