You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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