I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
