On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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